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Before the internet and I met, I was with a few girls, but as it was before the internet, it's pretty much irrelevant for we'll start with where I've been since then, and call that the beginning of the Past.

I was once with a birdie named Raven.

During that time we had a slave by the name of tulips (ever so punny). She apparently had a court date in her home town or something, so we sent her off with a few simple rules, which she promptly broke as soon as she got out of the state. Goodbye, tulips.

Raven and I then moved to a new house, almost got evicted by the rather deceptive, kleptomaniacal, and quite cranky landlady, and in the midst of that stress Raven fell out of love with me. Goodbye, Raven. I was still friends with her, for quite awhile, but that sort of thing just never seems to work for me.

Having recently revisited her webpage, it seems she was never digging her relationship with me in the first place. Makes me wonder why she bothered marrying me in the first place. Whatever. Her karma's come back on her a few times already.

Then there was a girl named temptress, who decided that she'd rather suck various cock and lie about it, than stay with me. Honestly, she was a bit of a drama queen. I hear she's better now, though, if anyone cares. Goodbye, temptress.

Since then, I was horrendously in love with a girl named scorpz, who showed me nothing but loyalty for something like six months, and then stopped hiding her true feelings towards my lifestyle choices, and ripped off her collar. The only unforgivable sin in my book. Goodbye, scorpz.

While I was with scorpz, I was also with a girl named pryncess, who decided that she couldn't handle my tendency to be with whoever whenever, and that she would rather stay with her husband. Goodbye, pryncess.

Then I was with a girl who used to call herself rockstar_girlie, but was known as naiada while she was mine. She was a keyboardist in a band, hence the name rockstar girlie. One night I got offline to call mari3 (keep reading) and she flipped out on me. Goodbye, naiada.

Then there was a rather cute raver boi named Citrus. Him and I were at a party together, and he forgot his candy on the floor in his rush to make it to work on time after a night of rolling. So I took it home on my left wrist, and I kept it. Later, girl he was supposedly interested in told me to "leave her man alone", and when I asked him whose man he was, he jokingly said hers, so *I* flipped out and walked. I will confess here that this is the one time I wish I had had more patience. I fucked this relationship up all on my own. Goodbye, Citrus. Miss you.

Then there was mari3. Where do I start. Basically, she lied to me, and I called her on it. Goodbye, mari3.

So then there was this girl that was all but an arranged marriage for me by my mother. My mother is not overly involved in my life, but she really wanted me to get together with this girl something awful. So I figured, what the hell, and gave it a shot. Turns out she had a boyfriend. Yay for screening! Not one to let such a piddly annoyance get the better of me, I decided to fix that problem. It took me an abnormally long amount of time for me to get rid of him, but admittedly, the boy had some serious reasons to be with him (and luckily a few not to be).

I finally worked it out, but, it turns out she wasn't a masochist. Minus one point. She also had this really old friend (who was in love with her, who I told her was in love with her, who several people told her was in love with her, and of course who she trusted, so she didn't listen to anyone), sitting in her ear, telling her that I was a bad guy, and I was gonna hurt her, and he didn't trust me and neither should she, etc etc.

Anyway, she was unable to make up her mind for herself, which is a horrible sin in my code of ethics, so after the less-than-a-week that we were kindadating, we went to DefCon 10, and she broke a bunch of promises to me. Sigh. Goodbye, kandi. Mom would have been proud.

After I got home from DefCon, I looked back on my life since leaving my wife, and decided it was vacation time, and took a month and a half break from being a man-whore.

I had planned to take a longer vacation, but just then...pryncess came back. Apparently she was never quite able to get over me, and also had the breakthrough revelation that she couldn't change me, no matter how hard she tried, and thus was willing to do as the serenity prayer says, and accept the things she cannot change (1. being that I will be with who I want when I want, and 2. being that she loved me despite that fact), And get off her ass and change what she could (being married to a man who was not me).

She changed her name to nahemah, and things were fine and good for about a year, then several strange things happened, and stuff just got kinda weird between us.

She says (after three years together) that she's tired of lying about who she is, but seriously, she knew from the beginning that this wasn't really going to be about her ideal relationship. Goodbye, nahemah.

While I was with nahemah, we had a girl named malice. She met nahemah first, and was kinda supposed to have a relationship with her, but wound up falling in love with me instead, and trying to get me to leave nahemah for her. Out of nothing but principle, I chose nahemah. Turns out I chose wrong. malice is now living happily in Nevada somewhere with her new boyfriend. Goodbye, malice. Miss you too.

Next we go rapid fire through a list.

vampkitten. Lifestyle conflicts. Goodbye, vampkitten.

vee. She was honestly a bit screwed up in the head, but mainly just didn't realize (I love how this works) that she wasn't ready for a relationship. Goodbye, vee.

tulips part two. Seriously, do I have to explain? She never got off the starting line. Goodbye, tulips. Again.

rockstar_girlie part two. She apparently doesn't want a relationship either. The Bush administration is having a wonderful impact on committed relationships, it seems. Goodbye naiada. Again.

sub-e. This girl seemed to have a very hard time deciding what she wanted out of life. I'm not really even sure what either of us were thinking. Let's just say there's no way in hell this would have worked. Goodbye, sub-e.

squirmy. To be honest, I kinda threw her away. I think I might be getting jaded about all this. Whatever. I don't care anymore.

rockstar_girlie part three. Yes, I am a sucker for this girl. But if it ever worked out, I'd be a happy man. Anyway, this time she came back, basically ignored me for a week, and then declared I wasn't trying in our relationship. That's right, she ignores me, and I'm not trying. Enough of this bullshit, I'm done with this one. For good.

So that's it. My long list of heartbreak. It would be nice if I could stop updating this, but I really don't see it happening. Oh well, keep up the hope, I guess. Until next girl...